Drew Pickles' Bicentennial Lemon Party
by JohnnyLurg
Summary: Drew Pickles goes big in 1776.


Drew Pickles' Bi-centennial Lemon Party

Please allow me to introduce myself. My name is Jonathan Kraskel. I am Vice President of the Howell Corporation, which is run by the woman of my dreams and my employer, Charlotte Cynthia Howell-Pickles, the only child of those billionaires from _Gilligan's Island. _Though we have been sexually involved for four years and have produced a love child named Angelica, Charlotte refused to marry me because I have some African-American ancestry and instead is a beard for nouve riche gay porn star Andrew Louis "Drew" Pickles.

My relationship with Charlotte is highly sadomasochistic, as she is sadistic (she is a second cousin of Eva Braun, after all) and I am a masochist. I love every inch of that voluptuous body, from those straight golden locks to the blue mascara to the red D.S.L. to those healthy Hartman hips. And I love all these features even more when she's screaming at me on her proto-Blackberry.

Lately it has become increasingly apparent to me that Charlotte dislikes Drew and his family, as not only is his brother Stu a toy inventor who has a "small…income," but Stu has married a non-wealthy Jewish woman and had two circumcised sons. Charlotte believes that these little Pickles children, as well as their ambiguously Jewish friends the Finsters are bad influences on her little princess Angelica, and so she took matters into her own hands.

For Angelica's fourth birthday, Charlotte bought her a fully functioning time machine which can transport people to the year 1776. First, Angelica tricked the entire Carmichael family into stepping into the portal, where they became slaves of Thomas Jefferson. After that is when I step in. Charlotte was so eager to let go of her Pickles for the rest of her nights that she had me put Drew in the portal, as Angelica wouldn't want to dispose of the man who she believed to be her father.

When Drew stepped into the portal, the first thing he saw was the Carmichael slaves, entirely naked. Drew was relieved to see that Randy Carmichael's member was smaller than his was, as Drew's member is 2,000 light-years long. He sorely missed 53 Briar Street Place, the gorgeous mansion which he and Charlotte lived in, but he was pleased that he still had a million dollars in his wallet.

General Washington approached Drew. "Look at those bizarre bifocals," he told John Adams. "He must be a witch!"

As a part-time investment banker and/or accountant, Drew was perfectly aware of inflation and shoved all of his million dollars into George Washington's face.

"Wow, that's more money than all of us have combined, and I'm the richest man in the colonies!" remarked Washington. "And I shouldn't have thought of a witch hunt, Benny Franklin has bifocals too."

The aforementioned Franklin stepped onto the scene. "Mr. Pickles, your impossible wealth has made you the Great American Hero, in place of myself." Drew gasped as he looked at his countless hundred dollar bills and realized that Ben Franklin's face was replaced by his. "It's all about the Drews, baby," Drew snickered, and turned one of the dollars over. On the back of the hundred dollar bill was a picture of Drew's penis which was anything but actual size. "I wonder if they'll let minors spend these," he thought aloud.

Drew stared at Washington's wooden teeth and got an idea. He invited himself over to Mt. Vernon, where Washington performed oral sex on Drew. "I always wondered whether wood went well on wood, and I was right!" exclaimed Drew.

"I cannot tell a lie, my cherry tree isn't as impressive as yours," said Washington. "The porn industry was pretty cruel to me, as they made me star in _Mr. Chode's Mild Ride._"

"That makes me cross," said Drew. "I hope every American becomes Delaware of your limitations." He promptly left Mt. Vernon for Monticello, where he discovered that Thomas Jefferson had invented many gay sex toys. "These are much better than the ones Stu invents," said Drew.

"Bag, 1776 is swell," said Drew.

Meanwhile, Charlotte Cynthia Pickles was getting every company in sight to merge with hers. Within one minute, she had received Crosswire Motors from some monkeylike oaf, as well as Big Bob's Beepers, formerly owned by a fat Hungarian with an alcoholic wife and a unibrowed daughter. Then she looked in her wallet, and screamed when she saw Drew's face on the hundred dollar bills, as well as "ANDREW PICKLES" written underneath the faces.

So, she called me on her proto-Blackberry, and asked me to go back to 1776 and take Drew back to 1991 because she was sick of seeing his face all the time. I thought for a second and I refused, because I realized that I would receive more of the suffering I get pleasure out of if I made Charlotte mad than if I did exactly what she wanted. Charlotte forced me into the portal herself, my purple crotch going uneasy as those expert hands grabbed me.

General Washington ordered me into slavery when he saw me, but I explained to him that I just had a very bad tan. I then showed him my Drew dollars, and he was cool with me until I said hi to Randy Carmichael, whose Dummi Bear Show was recently bought by Charlotte. Washington then decided to put me in the Pennsylvania Penitentiary.

"Look behind you, a three-headed Redcoat!" I told Washington. After all, the Revolutionary War was still going on. Washington fired at said nonexistent Redcoat, and I fled, until I caught up with Drew, who was currently seducing John Hancock.

"I'm impressed, Mr. Cock! It's even bigger than your signature!" said Drew.

"Not so fast, Drew. I think you owe Dr. Franklin an apology for stealing his fame. He did discover electricity, you know," I said.

"I've got news for you, Jonny Boy!" said Drew. "Benny Franklin made no discoveries greater than the one in my pants."

"Why, you! If you weren't married to my boss, I'd grind you into Cynthia dolls! Please don't tell anyone else that we make them out of humans."

"Oh, Mr. Cock! Cynthia dolls are people!" yelled Drew.

"The fuck is a Cynthia doll?" asked John Hancock.

Disgruntled, I departed from Hancock Manor. "There's got to be somebody in 1776 with a reputation for betraying other people. Oh wait, I got it!" I ran over to Benedict Arnold's house.

"I'm afraid I simply don't have the time," said Benedict Arnold as he pigged out on raw eggs. "From 9 a.m. to 11 a.m., I'm betraying Betsy Ross by letting the British steal her flag ideas before America uses them. From 11 a.m. to 1 p.m., I'm betraying George Read by making sure nobody knows who the hell he is, along with many other Founding Fathers. From 1 p.m. to 3 p.m., I'm betraying Paul Revere by literally having the British cum on him after he says "the British are coming." From 3 p.m. to 5 p.m., I'm prank calling Samuel Adams' brewery and asking for Amanda Huggenkiss. From 7 p.m. to 9 p.m., I'm…"

"You didn't mention 5 p.m. to 7 p.m.," I told the traitor.

"Aw, shit," said Benedict Arnold. "I guess I'll have to do what I'm told and seduce this Pickles fruit before stabbing him in the back."

To make a long story short, I kicked Drew out of the portal and back into 1991. Charlotte and I were able to make a deal with the Treasury and put Ben Franklin back on the hundred dollar bill, although many history books still make note of the 200+ years in which Drew's face was on that dollar. When asked if I have any regrets about the incident, I state that I wish I had asked for a promotion, and that I had rescued the Carmichaels from slavery. However, that ended up being better for the community as the fucking annoying Dummi Bears have no longer been created by Randy, that even more annoying Dil Pickles was not delivered by his wife, Dr. Lucy Carmichael, and ended up being stillborn, and Angelica has no competition from Susie and can grow up to be a successful heiress to the Howell—I mean Pickles—fortune. I do not regret donating my sperm, as Angelica is an amazing, beautiful girl and a spitting image of her mother.

However, it turns out that Drew actually filmed every experience he had sexing up a Founding Father, and created an entire new line of bestselling historical pornos, so it's a happy ending (insert massage joke here) for him as well. Go figure.


End file.
